I just want to get my 2g and 0g plugs already,

but I feel so embarrassed going to the mall. I feel more insecure of myself more than ever and it's obviously taking a toll on me because I feel embarrassed if I'm at a store. A couple of days ago I went to Target and I felt so uncomfortable. If someone looked at me I felt like they were judging me or saying something about my weight and I just wanted to leave already. I can't imagine myself at the mall honestly. Everyone looks at you there and I just feel like an ugly duckling compared to everyone else.

Some of my pants fit a little tighter.

You have no idea how horrible I feel. I just want to cry my eyes out and never go out in public.

Abre tus ojos

I seriously need to get my shit straight when it's involving my body. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate looking at myself. I just want to go running from here all the way to the other side of the world nonstop to lose all this unnecessary weight. I said I'd be serious this time with losing weight, but these past couple of days have showed me how I can give two shits about losing weight. I honestly do want to lose weight, more than ever. I feel so horrible for all the stuff I ate today I wish I didn't. I've been so bored in this house that all I've been doing is sitting on the fucking couch on my computer and eat and watch tv. What the fuck am I doing? There's no way I'm going to be a size 1 by September. I need to be so serious about this. I'm doing this for myself because it's the only thing that's holding me back from doing a lot of stuff. I'm just cutting back on everything. Whatever.

I'm worried I will always be alone in my life while everyone else is in a relationship.

Ugh

I hate my body can I just want to be a size 1 by the time school starts.

Why do I even bother.

I shouldn't like him. I mean honestly why would he pay attention to me? There's so many other girls that are prettier than me. So why would he pay special attention to me.

*sigh*

I wish he would though. No. I can't say that. Just because he wanted a hug from me today doesn't mean anything. He gives other girls hugs too. Hugs don't mean that you're interested in someone. He only sees me as a friend. I don't have to second guess that. I know for a fact he'll never like me. I should just not get my hopes up again. I don't want to go on crying about a stupid boy problem again.

Reality check Fabiola. He will never like you.

I don't want to relive the same thing over again.

I don't want to like him because I know it's going to be pointless and I'm just going to be wasting my time. I am trying really hard not to think about him or get feelings toward him because I know he doesn't feel the same way about me regardless what my friend says. I'm just going to end up thinking things he says means he likes me and stuff just like the other guys. I can't afford to waste my time on another guy unless I'm positive he likes me back.

So I weighed myself today and the scale said I weighed 132. I think that's accurate? I hope the scale isn't lying and it's actually like 3 more lbs or something.
But if it is 132 then that is great I just need to lose 12 more lbs before I go to Mexico.

Gross

Skipping meals now.

Big change consists of:

1. Drinking 8 bottles of water every single day.
2. No more soda PERIOD. (I've already done this and it's pretty easy now because I'm not tempted to drink it anymore.)
3. Doing 30 minute workouts everyday.
4. Cutting out junk food completely. No chips, no candy, nada.
Summer, here I come :)

Wow

I can't believe he did that. Earlier I tweeted about how I was going to call various phone numbers to find out if a certain tmobile store had the htc hd2 and he texted me to ask the guy at our school where he got his and I told him I did so I was calling a couple of minutes ago to the places and two of them didn't answer, but one of them did and they said they didn't have it and that they had a waiting line. I was so pissed. Then I get a text from him and he said,
"If it's any help, I'm here in westco right now and there was a tmobile across the street...I went and asked and they said they'll have it in this coming Monday(:"
You have no idea how shocked/happy/on the verge of tears I am right now. I didn't think he'd actually do that... I mean I don't know anybody who'd do that for me without me asking. He actually cares enough to actually go and check to see if they had the phone I wanted. I'm actually just going to wait until Monday then for the phone, so I'm quite relieved it will be somewhere close from where I live in a week. But I'm also on the verge of tears because of him. I don't like him anymore, that's a fact. It's just what he did for me. I've never met a guy that nice before and all these past images of last year are just coming up and it's making me depressed. How the hell did I let someone like that just leave my life? He was everything I was looking for, yet my heart was aching for some ignorant asshole. No matter how long it's been, I still remember a lot of the memories from last year with him. I was actually happy to feel loved by someone, and it makes me so mad at myself to know I didn't do anything to help take it further. Is it sad how I can't even erase his texts still? It sounds like I'm still head over heels for him, but it's not true. I just feel like I lost a great person in my life. We don't really talk anymore and it kills me to see he replaced what we had with another girl. He's my one regret. If I could go back in time and change something, it would be all those times I didn't go out with him somewhere. It'd be to say "I love you" back. It'd be to just show him I cared as much about him as he did about me.

*sigh*

Is it sad how tempted I am to drink this little bottle of tequila that's in the freezer...?

Okay so ima drink 8 bottles of water today. Same thing.

Gonna

drink water from now on. No more soda. Going to drink 10 bottles of water today because I can. Starting in 3...2...1...
now.

Que hermoso

I wish I was satisfied with my weight once and for all.

I wish I didn't have problems with my weight. I wish I could look in the mirror and think I looked good, but I never really got up to that point. I know I've lost a good amount of weight, but I know it's not enough to make me feel happy and pretty about myself when I'm going out. I want to be able to go out and feel confident in the way I look and how clothes look on me. I don't want to walk around with my head down fearing to make eye contact with someone. All I want is to be a size 1. Hell, at this rate, I'd wish I'd be a size 3 right now. Who knew going down two sizes would be so hard..
I just pray to God I'm able to fit in size 1 jeans by summer. I've always said I wanted to lose weight by summer, and I haven't really achieved the goal I set myself. I want to finally be comfortable when I go to the beach this summer. I don't want to feel like a whale compared to everyone. I need to lose at least 20 pounds. I really hope I can do this. It is possible, but I just hope I can stick to my goal for once.

How soon is too soon?

I just wan't to say how I hate the fact that so many teens are having kids at this age. I seriously have no clue what is going through their heads, nor will I, but all I know is that it is the most ignorant mistake. How hard is it to use protection? I hate how they are thinking "We've only had sex once without protection, but the other times we always use protection." Why on earth wouldn't you use protection that one time? Were you that lazy? You're lazy to protect yourself from becoming a future parent? I don't care if you're "caught up in the moment". That is no excuse to not have the common sense in things like this. I found out someone I talk to is pregnant. I am shocked. I can't believe her. "One thing led to another and you know what happens." Bullshit. You know what you were doing and you could have had the control, but instead you set your worries in the back of your mind and you ignored them. I honestly feel bad for her because I know she is going to have a rough time. I also can't believe some people are excited she is going to have a baby. I know it's wrong to not be supportive about this, but why would you be happy she is having a baby? She is 16 years old damn it. She is not ready to carry around this child with her. I just don't know what to say to her. I mean I can't say "Congratulations!" That is wrong to encourage what she has done. That is like saying "Hey girl, you didn't have protected sex? Awesome!" I can only say I will now witness before my eyes what is going to happen in the following months.

Hello again.

I haven't been using blogger for over a year now. I decided I would get another blog only because I feel the stuff I posted before was just jibberish of what was going on in my mind and heart. In this blog I will write about my feelings about certain topics and what is going on in my life, including life at school.